Moments
by Bella Jesse
Summary: Draco want to lose himself. He pines for someone he may never have. There may be only one person he can turn to for help.


> A/N: I haven't written a story in about 3 years and this would be my first Harry Potter one... I want to give my utmost affection towards my beta Jen/Rachael because she helped me proof it because I do a crappy job of that 3 She said I do British well but I'm really French so I don't know how that works out! . But ok go for it and read it! Tell me what you think and I will tweak it around a bit and hopefully find a muse to make me write another chapter.  
  
Moments: Let it Out  
  
Time and time again I find myself sitting deep in thought, contemplating what to do with my life. It could be so miserable sometimes, especially when I had things to think about that I had no control over. He was often a popular focus in my mind and one of the few that I couldn't stop thinking about and that drove me crazy.  
  
While walking past him in the halls or sitting as far away from him as humanly possible when in the same room together. I never talk nicely to him, and I make horrible faces at him when he sees me looking at him. I feel like an abysmal person for being the way I am around him and his friends but it can't be helped really... If anyone would find me out, my reputation would be absolutely ruined. As it is, my friends are starting to pick up on it, Pansy has been questioning my intentions. I frequently find myself blanking out in class, staring in his general direction, and my adverse habit of talking about him excessively when he passes me by in the corridors or I will talk about him just because I have nothing better to talk about. Crabbe and Goyle even being the pratty numbskulls that they are have been slowly picking up on the signs that I have fallen for the beautiful boy but they have been to oblivious to think anything of it and have just left it alone or perhaps for Pansy to deal with.  
  
As I sat in the Slytherin common room in an old velvet chair by the warmth of the fireplace, thinking to myself, as I find I frequently do, someone raucously jumps into the chair nearby. Lazily I look over to see who dares interrupt my thoughts. I find none other than the last person I wanted to talk to sitting at my side, looking eager and full of energy, Pansy. She could be such a handful at times, especially when she had that lust for knowledge look in her eyes, when she would ask me questions to no end and demand answers from me.  
  
"Hello Draco dear," she said flirtatiously. I knew what was coming, her recently favorite topic. I was preparing myself to be bombarded with questions that would pertain to the subject.  
  
"What do you want Parkinson?" I said with a sneer to my voice. I didn't want to talk to her but I knew it was inevitable since I had been avoiding her for several days. I sat a few seats away from her in Potions and worked with some other Slytherin students like Millicent Bullstrode, and Crabbe and Goyle during Herbology and Charms. While in the Great Hall I surrounded myself with people and avoided her eye throughout the meals, but I knew I couldn't avoid her forever and I knew I was to be expecting a nice long chat with her eventually tonight and here it was about to come.  
  
"Must you speak to me in such a nasty tone of voice Draco Malfoy?" she questioned playfully, making sure to word everything just right so she would get me talking. She knew me a little too well for comforts sake and that was a great disadvantage to me because she knew which buttons to push. "How about we go for a nice, long, private walk? Just the two of us." A hint of deviousness twinkled in her eye just long enough for me to catch it. I knew what game she was playing and unfortunately I knew I would have to play along or face some serious consequences.  
  
"Very well, where would you like to go? To the Owlery? The Grounds?" I didn't really care as long as no one else would be around to hear anything that either of us had to discuss. I hated how she could control me with my own insecurities. I didn't like anyone knowing anything more than they had to about my private life, but since Pansy has been around me almost my entire life there is no really escaping her. I hated to admit it but she was one of the few semi-intellectual people that I had to talk to so I tried to indulge in her as often as possible when the subject did not pertain to me or anything about me.  
  
"The Grounds sounds like a good place to start. You had better go get your cloak, it's quite nippy out there and we wouldn't want poor wittow Draco catching a cold now would we?" It was amazing how nasty the girl could be when she wanted to be. But I obliged her 'concern' if you will, just to get away from her for a sparse few minutes.  
  
I lifted myself slowly and gracefully from the ancient piece of furniture and equally slowly started to make my way in the direction of my dormitory. The walk was unpleasantly short, shorter than it should have been. I did not want to go and have this chat with Pansy. I would get an earful from her from a thousand different perspectives and she would expect me to see things her way. That doesn't sound too terribly dreadful in your mind until you have experienced the woman's wrath. It is a horrible affair. I made it to my four-poster bed and grabbed my cloak from off my trunks lid and made my way back down to meet Pansy who was already wearing her own cloak and who was quite ready to go.  
  
I followed behind her a short distance but she was oblivious because she was more concerned on making it to the Great Hall doors quickly so we could have as long a conversation as would be permitted. We did however make it to the doors in record time as she practically ran through the dungeons. Through the doors and out into the open we went.  
  
It was about an hour to sunset and the sky was colored in rather romantic colors; blues, pinks, purples, and the pale grayish yellow from the clouds.  
  
"So tell me Draco, why have you been avoiding me for the last few days?" Should I tell her? She didn't really need to know did she?  
  
"Because I find you annoying and repulsive and I don't want to be anywhere near you." I wouldn't be giving in to her demands quite as willingly as she would like but I will tell her everything she wants to know eventually. She has been building up questions in her mind for the last few days and I should have been more cautious with my actions to prevent this all from happening in the first place but I didn't and now I had to pay the price.  
  
"Now, now Draco darling don't lie to me. I want the truth from you!"  
"I have been avoiding you because I didn't want to have to be interrogated to no end by you. But I can't get away from you forever now can I? What do you want to know Pansy, stop stalling and tell me straight up because I don't want to be out here all night." Change of tactics... I would just tell her, it was much easier and she would probably leave me alone a lot faster this way. If worst came to worst I could always start lying, like she would notice as long as it was an answer.  
  
"Aw Draco! You should have known better than to try to escape my wrath!" She laughed; it was kind of horrific how she could completely change depending on the circumstances. She would never act this way in class or around the rest of the Slytherin, only me. "Well since you want me to get right to it, I will. You have been making eyes with Potter lately. Not only that, but you have been talking solely about him even when he's not around and there was nothing to provoke the subject out of you. You must think I'm stupid to not have noticed Draco dear. Well... fortunately for you most people haven't noticed it which makes you very lucky. Only I have... So that makes you even more lucky!" Again she started laughing. She confuses me; I don't understand what she says more often than not nor do I understand why she says some of the things she does.  
  
"I have not been 'making eyes' at him Parkinson. What are you proposing exactly?"  
  
"You know exactly what I'm proposing Draco. You fancy the Potter boy don't you? That horrible Gryffindor who wants nothing more than to see you dead. You fancy him. Potter! Of all people!"  
  
"What the blimey are you on you blubbering woman?! Me?! Fancying Potter?! That's preposterous!" She knew full well that I was lying but I had no intention of telling her straight up everything she wanted. I couldn't make up my mind on how I was going to admit it to her but she would have to play my game to get any information from me.  
  
"Don't be stupid Draco Malfoy! I'm not as thick as you, or anyone else for that matter, think I am. I have been reading enough teen-witch magazines and had enough experience to know when someone likes another and you, Draco Malfoy, most certainly do fancy Potter. You can't hide what is clearly visible to all. You are just fortunate enough that not everyone cares enough to notice." She looked at me hard in the face looking for something to make me crack but I wouldn't for her sake. "I do have a question though, why him? What happened to fancying that younger Slytherin girl? What was her name...? Never mind. That's unimportant. Why him? Why do you fancy boys now Draco? Most of all, why Potter?!" I couldn't tell if she was going to be supportive of my being gay or not but that was irrelevant. She didn't have to accept it, but she was never going to be able to tell anyone or I would be ruined.  
  
"Your rubbish magazines told you that I fancied Potter did they? Those must be some interesting magazines you have there Pansy. Fine, very well. Maybe I do fancy him. Not as much as you say but maybe I do. I can't help it. The Slytherin girl was a good laugh for a short while but I had nothing to give to her. I haven't liked anyone at all physically or mentally but yet I like Potter. I suppose you are going to call him vile names and tell me how wrong he is for me and how I could do much better but Pansy.. I like Potter. I don't even want to like him! He is my sworn enemy. The good to my evil, the water to my flame. I don't want to fancy him but..." He is so damned perfect, how could I not like him? The way his hair is always scruffy or how his smile is kind of crooked, his ocean eyes that could drown me if I ever looked at them the way I wished I could. "...I do."  
  
"My poor Draco. How foolish you must feel. Going and getting yourself hooked on Potter is probably the worst thing you could go and do to yourself. You know he will never return the feelings. He still wishes your death in the most painful manor possible. Do you really think that it's worth the pain and suffering to admire someone while they want nothing to do with you? Imagine if he were to find out. Draco, you would never live it down and your family would disown you for disgracing them." She stopped talking and looked out towards the castle. I had no idea we walked so far from it in such a short amount of time. She looked like she was actually considering believing what I had just told her but she still looked confused. "I don't understand why. Can you answer that one last question? That last one and I will never bring the subject back up until you want to talk about it," she looked back from the castle to my face with a kind of sorrow that I can't really find a word to describe it with. Jealousy, sympathy, regret, anger, and many emotions all mixed into one face that was Pansy Parkinson.  
  
"I just.. do. How do you want me to explain it? I can't. Can you explain why you fell for the Quiditch captain? No I can't imagine you can explain it nor can I regarding Harry. It's not like I haven't tried to ignore it. I shouldn't be having emotions for anyone at all let alone a boy and my nemesis. This isn't what I would have chosen for myself Pansy, you know that." She understood me but I wasn't sure if I even understood myself. I had become a lot more docile over the summer because of a lot more freedom. I started to come out of my hard shell of emotionless hell. I never showed this side to anyone but Pansy because there was no one that I trusted more than her, not even Crabbe and Goyle.  
  
"You can talk to me anytime if you need to Draco. You know that. But we had better get back before we get detention for being out past hours." She too has changed for what seems to be for the better. I have a lot more trust in her and she cares about things now. She didn't give me the third degree of questions that I expect was to come; she didn't argue against me, she didn't put Potter down nearly as much as I know she normally would have. There was something wrong with this picture, something's wrong with Pansy and I need to find out. I pushed that thought to the back of my mind for now however as we quickly made our way back to the castle and all the way down to the dungeons to out common room.  
  
I would have a lot to think about tonight, especially on Pansy's part. I have never seen her mood swing go from harsh to almost absolutely genuinely concerned, let alone in such a short period of time.  
  
I undressed from my cloak, school uniform and boxers and dressed myself in a muggle t-shirt with the saying 'Late Night Motel; open 24 hours' that Pansy had given me as a present one year. Once dressed in my shirt, I settled myself into the four-poster bed. I was the only one in bed so I would likely be woken up by the rest of the rowdy roommates later on tonight, but I needed to try to sleep...  
  
-----------------  
  
Slowly the wind started to lull the blonde beauty to sleep where dreams of Harry danced across his mind, leaving him in a quite content deep sleep.  
  
A/N: There, how was it? Drop me a message so I know what you think and so I will keep going with it hopefully...
> 
> Bella


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